Voyeuristic Cuckoldry and the Boy Who Was Picked Last

Becoming a therapist was never on my bingo card.

Neither was becoming an IV meth addict who almost died from a flesh-eating bacteria. Even my high school friends got it wrong with “most likely to be in a boy band.” Though to be fair, the frosted tips and Backstreet swagger probably tipped them off.

But what no one saw—not even me—was the insecurity and inner chaos I carried. And I was in the popular crowd. I had tons of friends, plenty of dates. Still, I felt lost. The pressure to “be someone” in the late 90s and early 2000s pulled me away from figuring out who I actually was.

Fast forward 25 years. I’ve battled a 15-year addiction, pursued and struggled through the grind of an acting career in Los Angeles, and have been clean for over seven years. Today, I’m a therapist helping young men face the same insecurities I once tried to outrun.

The insecurity I knew in high school has evolved into something else entirely. Today’s teens are up against a superstimulus that didn’t exist back then; smartphones, high speed internet, and yes, porn.

Writing a blog about the risks of porn was also not on my bingo card. I grew up in a liberal, sex positive environment. The “free love” energy of the 60s was still alive in my household. What consenting adults do in front of or behind a camera doesn’t bother me. If someone wants to scream like they’re being exorcised mid-orgasm, I say bravo. 

And yet, the harm I’m seeing is undeniable.

Like how a childhood diet of sugar can lead to Type 2 diabetes, constant exposure to internet porn is leading to a kind of emotional diabetes. A dulling of self-worth, connection, and the ability to experience real intimacy. Sugar isn’t bad. Porn isn’t bad. However, too much of it spikes insulin and dopamine and then body struggles to make its own. 

Let’s break it down.

Understand what they’re up against

If you grew up scheming for a glimpse of a Playboy or secretly taping the Spice Channel, imagine what it’s like now. No creativity or teamwork involved in getting off. Just open the phone, hit incognito mode, and you’re in.

This isn’t about sexual expression either. The issue is what it does to developing brains. Cheap dopamine, all day, every day. No effort required. Over time, they’re self-programming into passive, voyeuristic habits and slowly becoming the boy picked last. They are cucking themselves and are completely unaware.

Porn isn’t the problem. It’s the solution.

Just like meth worked for me in the beginning to cure my pain, porn, in the beginning, becomes digital Xanax for anxiety. Relief from anxiety? Awesome. However, instead of learning to tolerate discomfort, young men learn to escape it. By the time they hit their twenties, they’re depressed, angry, and confused. As any of us would be. 

Anger is often masked powerlessness

People like Scott Galloway and Richard Reeves have been sounding the alarm about the state of young men. I see it in real time. Low self-esteem builds quietly. Years of watching other men have sex with women who perform like Cirque du Soleil athletes, combined with messaging that women only want you if you have millions, a Bugatti, or a jet, leads to shame and humiliation. Turned outward, this becomes anger. 

Anger becomes the last desperate way to feel powerful.

So what can we do?

                Have “the” conversation 

Talk to them about watching porn the same way you would talk to them about drugs and drinking. They will be exposed to it. Talk to them about why it’s important to not overdo it. The same way binge-drinking in high school isn’t a great idea. 

               Start with the phone

Read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Limit screens. Yes, it’s inconvenient, but the phone is the portal to all of it—dopamine, comparison, insecurity, spiraling depression.

               Help them chase better dopamine

The brain wants pleasure and avoids pain. But when we chase only pleasure—porn, fast food, scrolling—we end up in pain anyway. The antidote is meaning.

Painful things like:

      •          Playing a sport and getting knocked down

      •          Resolving conflict amongst peers

      •          Feeling your feelings and not running away

      •          Failing and learning and failing some more

               Model emotional insight

Young men often lack self-awareness. That’s not a flaw, it’s developmental. Be the adult in the room. Help them find language. Help them slow down. Sit with the anger. Normalize it. If you become afraid of their anger, so will they. Their anger is an attempt to find their identity, which is a noble pursuit and one that we can help them on with emotional insight and regulation.  

This isn’t about rescuing them. It’s about standing beside them while they learn to face their own inner lives. When you show that you’re not afraid of their anger, they start to see what’s underneath it.

Help them meet the vulnerable parts they’ve been hiding from.

That’s where the work begins.

Their strength won’t come from avoiding discomfort. It will come from walking through it.

Ultimately this can help them choose themselves rather than watch life get lived by others on their phone.